Dating advice from Jimmy Suede

jimmy_suede.jpg
 

Dear Jimmy Suede,

Boom! You’re the man!

My game has really turned the corner since reading your level one eBook Seduction 101: The Basics with Jimmy Suede. I’m doing well with getting phone numbers at bars now, but I can never seem to seal the deal. Do you have any advice?

Allen from Round Rock

BOOM, Allen!

It sounds like you’re experiencing LMH – Last-Minute Hesitation. Remember, getting a target’s number is only the first milestone in a close: Without well-developed end-game, you’ll never see your offensive through to the score.

The purpose of end-game strategy is to dismantle your target’s RTAs, or Reasons To Abort. The hardest part about this is identifying these from the onset. Is your target with a group of friends? You may have to disarm the jealous designated driver who resents not being able to drink. Are you going out on a weekday? Your target may be worried about getting to work on time in the morning. Trying to pick someone up at a church barbeque or carnival? You may have to subvert your target’s SPIs, or Socially-Programmed Inhibitions.

Your end-game strategy should serve two purposes: Crippling your target’s reservations and avoiding what I call verbal landmines – specific words or phrases that clearly articulate your singular intentions (sex). These rhetorical acrobatics can get complicated, so I’ve laid out a few sample scenarios and their accompanying, field-tested elements of end-game. BOOM!

Target: My friends are leaving, so I’ve got to go.
Jimmy Suede: Friends are incredibly important. Of all the things that I value – my Porsche, my Superbowl ring, my place in the hall of fame at my urologist’s office – I cherish my friends the most. I feel that we have transcended friendship in the short time that I’ve been talking to you while waiting for my drink. Would you like to see the photos of my recent trip to the barren plains of the Alaskan Rangelands?

Target: Everything you’re saying sounds rehearsed. Do you pick up women a lot?
Jimmy Suede: I like to think of each moment as a rehearsal for our life’s greatest performance. If your existence were a movie, what would its theme be? Mine would be lust, and you would be my co-star. Tonight we will film the graphic love scene.

Target: It is inappropriate for you to be flirting with me at my son’s piano recital.
Jimmy Suede: Isn’t it amazing how fast children grow up? I bet it feels like just yesterday that your son was a toddler. Do you miss having a small child in your home? Would you like to conceive another one?

There you go, Allen. And remember: You write the rules of this game. BOOM!


BOOM, Jimmy!

I’ve been going out to bars four nights a week, just like you prescribe in your level three eBook Intermediate Game: Overcoming Female Standards with Jimmy Suede. Talking to women isn’t my problem – I’ve committed an entire conversation blueprint to memory, complete with witty interjections and feigned pauses for thought – it’s getting their attention without slamming a beer mug or dinner plate against the bar. How can I make my presence known when I’m out on the town?

Daryl from Jollyville

BOOM, Daryl!

The key to attracting attention in a bar is differentiating yourself from every other chump wearing a polo tucked into his jeans. The first thing a target is going to notice about you is your clothing. Do you want to look like John B. Everyman or Clint X. Megagame? Dress the part, Daryl.

When I’m getting dressed for a bar, I’ve got one question on my mind: Will I be the only person wearing this tonight? I call this technique Shock and Awe. I impress upon my targets the notion that I am different from anyone they’ve ever met, and then I capitalize on their trance-like state by executing the most immaculate game known to man.

Your outfit needs to communicate style, sophistication, and substance. Now, I know what you’re thinking – “Why can’t I let my personality convey these qualities? Why must my clothes characterize who I am?” The answer, Daryl, lies in the very nature of seduction.

I don’t sneak naps in the supply closet at work because I’ve been out having profound conversations with marriage-material women all night. Sure, if I were looking to settle down and start a family, I might be interested in meeting women with “interesting professions” and “admirable life trajectories.” But I’m not. I want to meet the kind of shallow, stupid, obnoxious women who make snap judgments about men based on their clothing. I want to meet women who take make-up cues from rodeo clowns. I want to meet women with more genuine purses than tans. I want to meet women from Staten Island.

And to these women, Daryl, the clothes make the man.

Spice up your wardrobe. You want to double the market for chiropractors in Austin because so many people are craning their necks to see you when you step into a bar. Wear a Darth Vader mask and a vampire cape to a dance club; don a do-rag and an Alf T-shirt to a lounge on 4th Street; throw on a wizard’s cap and a robe for a college bar and call yourself the Seduction Sorcerer. Once everyone’s eyes are on you and your outrageous outfit, your objective won’t be getting numbers – it’ll be politely turning down women with barely-perceptible physical imperfections.

BOOM!

About the author Jimmy Suede has authored 37 eBooks on dating and relationships. Through years of meticulous trial-and-error, Jimmy has developed a keen insight into the dynamics of dating that he dispenses in his column and at workshops and seminars across the country. Questions for Jimmy on dating and the art of seduction should be sent to jimmy at thatotherpaper.com