Drooling homeschooling ruling

The Loose Cannon Libertarian

Newspaper article:

Los Angeles– A California judge ruled that parents without teaching credentials cannot legally homeschool their children, and then asserted, “Parents do not have a constitutional right to homeschool their children.”

News conference:

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the media, thank you for attending our Posturing and Image Management Event today. I will now turn the proceedings over to our Chief Legalcrat, Sue Pantzoff, Commissar of the Department of Unjustified Prosecutions for the Peoples Republik of Kalifornia.”

“Thank you Mr. Flack. There has been so much debate over this ruling during the past few months that we finally decided to stage this happening during primetime to clarify the state’s position and to give myself a photo op. I’ll make this earthshaking announcement quick and easy so you reporters can understand it and then parrot it back to your editors who will then repeat it to the public verbatim. Ready? Kalifornia will vigorously prosecute all unauthorized unqualified uncredentialed parents who try to homeschool their own children. Homeschooling is a dangerous threat to our economic way of life. Any questions?”

“Cindy Kayshan of the Sacramento BeeEss. How is homeschooling a threat to our economy?”

“Forced government schooling justifies property taxes. Property taxes for schools are vital to our economy because they fill the pockets of the school construction industry and the textbook publishing industry and the school lunch program food processing industry and the school bus fleet sales industry and the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder pharmaceutical industry and the state teacher training and credentialing industry, to name just a few. Those taxes pay the bloated salaries and benefits and retirement plans of the education bureaucracy. A tiny percentage of that money trickles down to pay the salaries of classroom teachers who pay dues to the their unions that keep the pockets of union officers bulging with bloated salaries and benefits and retirement plans and, more importantly, also create big fat slush funds to funnel money into the pockets of education lobbyists who funnel money into the pockets of state assemblycrats. You think anyone would run for public office if all they got was the official salary for that office?”

“Mike Crowfone of Endlessly Repeated News Channel. So what if some people homeschool their kid? They’re still forced to pay property taxes in the school district where they live.”

“Let me over-simplify this for you. Schools are allocated money based on the number of kiddy butts in each kiddy seat in each kiddy classroom. Every kid being taught at home by an unauthorized unqualified uncredentialed parent is one less kiddy butt in a classroom somewhere which means one more decrease in state allocated money. That’s a financial threat to the whole system. An estimated 166,000 homeschooled butts not in public school seats is an estimated 166,000 threats to the system.”

“Cameron Closeup from BlabberCast News. Isn’t the purpose of public education to benefit the schoolchildren?”

“Schoolchildren? Are you kidding? Oh, that’s right, you went through one of our government schools, didn’t you? I guess they didn’t teach you that the primary purpose of bureaucracies is to benefit the bureaucrats who run them.”

“Libby Terrion of the Free Press. What about the idea that the constitution doesn’t give parents the right to homeschool? Isn’t it true that rights don’t come from constitutions? Isn’t the purpose of a constitution to define and limit the powers of governments? Shouldn’t the judge’s ruling have been that the constitution does not grant the state any power to interfere with the right of parents to homeschool their children?”

“You there! Police officers! This crazed radical anarchist lunatic is threatening my taxpayer-funded career. I want her removed immediately. What’s the matter, don’t you realize she’s a threat to your vested interests too? There, that’s more like it, get her out of here.”

“Thank you, Ms Pantzoff. This concludes today’s bread and circus performance.”

About the author Garry Reed is a longtime advocate of the libertarian philosophy of non-coercion that espouses personal autonomy and individual responsibility, civil rights and economic liberty, maximum freedom and minimum government. His website is freecannon.com.


Michelle's picture

Bravo! Funny as well as accurate depiction of the homeschooling debate.

Anonymous's picture

lol bloated salaries and benefits of the school bureaucracy? i hope you don’t mean teachers and other peons, because i’d have to laugh my ass off at you. i’m going to assume this was written by a tax-hating liberatarian.

Anonymous's picture

I hope he means the overpaid, pampered teachers most of all. In the area I live, starting teachers have an average salary higher than that of the honest working taxpayers. Why a servant should be making more than the master I have no clue.

Yes I hate taxes, but then I assume you are a non-tax paying teacher who prefers to live off of the sweat of other people’s brow. (Government employees do not pay taxes, they just return some of the stolen goods back to their masters.)

Bill's picture

Yes, he means the teachers and administrators. Once past the first five years of a teaching or school administration career, they make well into 6 figures. I personally know a couple, both retired grade school teachers, and they are pulling down over 200k/year in pensions from their district.

As heinous as all taxes are, property taxes are the worst, It is nothing more than an admission from your masters that you do not own your home, you are only leasing it. What is it about this issue that has you so confused?

Anonymous's picture

oh, didn’t even notice you were a self-proclaimed lolbertarian. yup, that explains everything. next up: quit spending my money on roads!

JT Lancer's picture

Yes, he’s one of those ‘tax hating’ libertarians who actually thinks that parents, not state bureaucrats, should decide what education choices best suit their child.

What a radical thought! To actually think that parents should be responsible for their childrens’ education, instead of sanctioning the state to confiscate property from everyone else to subsidize the state indoctrination of their little precious.