How to take naked pictures

The Safe Word
photo / Matt Callow 

Anonymous nude modeling is hot. Really hot. And pretty popular, too. Digital cameras and the rise of Flickr, Pornotube, and photoblogging have turned what used to be a pastime only for serious pervs and extra spicy swinger types into a porn-lite sensation. It’s not quite as outré as making homemade porn with the family camcorder, but it definitely counts as steppin’ out and, thanks to social networking, in no time at all your inner exhibitionist can find like minds, and eyes, to hang out with online and no one is the wiser.

Taking good nekkid pix isn’t as easy as it seems, though, especially decent but still anonymous pix. Like any emerging art form it’s figuring out the rules as it goes. Then there’s the problem of making it work with your significant other. The trust factor. But let’s assume for minute that you had that conversation with your lover, the one that goes something like this: You: You look awesome. Him/Her: You really think so? You: I’d love to have a picture of you looking just like that. Him/Her: What kind of camera do you have?

First, pinch yourself, it doesn’t get any better than that. Second, you don’t want to fuck this up. So here, gleaned by yours truly from the minds of a couple of totally unknown and mostly naked (on the Internet) bloggers are ten rules to live by:

1 Find good angles. Your girlfriend is going to hate how her ass looks. Get used to it. Your boyfriend won’t like his abs. But you can cut down the whining with a good angle that puts everything in a pleasing perspective. Looking along their body from the shoulders down, or legs up, works. The farther you go from the problem (ass/abs) the safer you’ll be.

photo / Matt Callow 

2 Less is more. Extreme Close-Up is your friend. Except for the ass/abs. Let’s face it, your lover “trusts” you, but she doesn’t really trust you – she’s not an idiot. Don’t snap her face or any significant fraction of it. Pick your favorite nipple. Go for lips, elbows, toes. Whatever turns you on, pervert. The closer the better.

3 More is more. Take a thousand pictures. Hell, ten thousand. You might slip up and get something cool because listen, we both know you aren’t Richard Avedon. And what are you saving disk space for, porn you have to pay for?

4 Black and white is arty. Sorry, it’s just true. Drain the color out of that joint and the whole deal is like, ten times easier to defend.

5 Turn off the flash. Your boy toy doesn’t want to look like a pale-assed possum climbing out of a garbage can. Boy or girl, the flash makes everything that should be round look flat and everything that should be peachy look bleachy. And forget the white balance and all that crap. You’re going BW anyway.

6 Take off the gold. This is reason #1 for Forced Deletion. “Everyone knows that’s my necklace!” (Also, when the subject says “erase,” ERASE IT for fuck’s sake! See #3.)

photo / jaroslavd 

7 Don’t drink and digitize. This is for you. Watching your drunk ass try to disable the flash on the Powershot 7000 is not turning anybody on. Let the subject drink all the wine in the house. But we’re warning you, unless you absolutely got-to-have the “Spring Break” aesthetic, a lot of people are ugly when drunk and surprisingly litigious when sober. You’ve been warned.

8 Photoshopping is Truth. That’s accepted legal theory in several states, probably. Messing with the aspect ratio to make your lover look hot is not lying. Avoid bad effects like the Manute Bol or the John Holmes.

9 Don’t take a picture of yourself having the sex. You don’t want to know. We know what you’re thinking. You don’t want to know.

10 Breaking up = Trash those pics! This is no time for revenge. The satisfaction just isn’t worth eating through a straw for two months after her brothers break your jaw. Trust us on this one.

photo / ioerror