A stereotypical day for wannabe hipsters

hipster_4.jpg
photo / Fred Benenson 

Hey there. Yeah, you in the skinny jeans with your bangs hanging over your face. Everyone knows what you’re trying to do, but do you know how to go about being a successful hipster? Do you really? Don’t worry, we’ll show you how to embrace this vague but intriguing subculture with a day of totally hip activities! And by hip, we mean deck.

Note: While any reader is welcome to try out this itinerary, some may get more out of it than others. If you do not have four percent or less body fat, pixie-like facial features, and a trendy haircut (or at least a decent retro hat) this might not work out so well for you. Unfortunately, that’s just kind of how it is.

1pm | Lunch with a generous side of ironic detachment

Star Seeds Cafe

Welcome to primo hipster grazing territory. Just memorize the names of a few obscure indie bands, take a deep breath, and skulk on inside the shiny little diner. You might have to wait a while to eat, but this isn’t really about eggs. It’s about having cute, slightly mussed haircuts and acting detached from all that is not Cool. You and your friends can discuss your favorite bands and graphic novels with some degree of enthusiasm – but not too much! Remember, true hipsters express their emotions through ironic vintage T-shirts, not by varying their facial expressions and tone of voice.

512-Go!»Star Seeds Cafe
3101 N IH 35 • 478-7107

3pm | Ear candy

Cheapo Discs

You might have not really used your CD player in a few years, but never mind that now. You need to get your skinny butt to Cheapo Discs and buy some CDs, pronto. More importantly, you need to learn how to browse through rows of CDs by noisily clicking through dozens of them, immediately rejecting anything mainstream with a nanosecond’s glance and slight furrowing of your brow. When you find a used copy of the B-side of Transmissions to Horace for $3.99, show it off to your friends, note their understated jealousy, and keep clicking away.

Cheapo Discs
914 N Lamar Blvd • 477-4499

5pm | Say cheese!

Dobie Mall photo booths

Really, any photo booth will do, but the ones in Dobie Mall are popular for capturing a set of four slightly different images featuring your unsmiling face. Try to look mysterious, and bonus points if you can get some in black and white. Once you get your photos, don’t cut the strip apart! If you do that, you might as well save your change and not bother at all.

Dobie Mall
2025 Guadalupe St • Austin, TX 78705

6:30pm | Ready to percolate

Halcyon

After your subdued photo booth antics, it’s time to recharge with some coffee. Halcyon is quirky and eccentric – the perfect place for a hipster java fix. Try the s’mores – you make ’em yourself with a little campfire. Yeah, indoor s’mores are pretty neat, but whatever you do, don’t act too happy or excited about them. Don’t let any novelty, however nifty, truly pierce through your aura of jaded nonchalance. This is kind of behavior might make other people notice you and say, “Wow, those people are so cute and offbeat. They must do stuff like that every day without giving it a second thought!” Yeah. That’s good. That’s exactly what you’re going for.

Halcyon
218 W 4th St • Austin, TX 78701

8pm | Not that kind of swinger

Playground

Is getting dark yet? In that case, it’s time to hit a playground. Preferably an isolated one with lonely, squeaky swing sets and a desolate looking merry-go-round. If you haven’t noticed yet, doing retro stuff is an important part of being a well-rounded hipster, and what could be more retro than your own bleak, suburban childhood? Pretty much nothing. So play. Play with the equipment of children but with the knowledge you are trapped in the machinery of adulthood. Go ahead, get some gravel on those skinny jeans. And don’t forget to have someone take Polaroids. Documentation is also an important part of being a hipster, but God forbid you do it with a digital camera! Well, maybe a few shots to put up on Flickr and MySpace. That’s probably okay.

Eastwoods Park and Wading Pool
3001 Harris Park Ave • Austin, TX 78705

More parks

9pm | Save the milk for a neutral hotel

hipsters_5.jpg
photo / Pete Jelliffe 

Randall’s

After you tire of the playground, take your self-aware retro attitude up a notch by ending your evening with a free cookie from the bakery at Randall’s. This simple act embodies several important aspects of the hipster credo: Be cheap with your entertainment, don’t eat a whole lot, be cute, and do a bunch of eccentric crap that seems somewhat ridiculous to the non-hipster mentality. But you know it’s deck.

Randall’s
715 S Exposition • Austin, TX 78703

Comments

Austin Realtor's Wife's picture

Liz, I’m a new reader but an INSTANT fan of yours! How precisely you’ve embodied “being deck” (the opposition of my social being). I’m a total suburbanite (and like I like like Coach purses, Ann Taylor tops and like love everything like mainstream musically) and even a few years ago while going to UT, I missed the “deck.”

Great satirical piece!!!

Anonymous's picture

Read Misprint.. They do a way better job of this sorta of satire

Anonymous's picture

Yeah, Misprint does a great job of satire, the way repressed homosexual jocks did in highschool—by calling smart kids fags and beating them up..

Anonymous's picture

Hipsters dont listen to CDs. They either buy vinyl records or listen to Ipods.