Austin Restraining-Order Star Tours

photo / judepics 

Austin’s a pretty hip place these days. Now that we have a club where you can dance on sharks (can I get an “Amen”?) and an up-and-coming bottle-service lounge, we’ve got celebrities settling down everywhere. And not just those crazy old Austin celebrities like Leslie and Lord British – y’know, real ones. So why go to Hollywood for your star tour? Instead, we present an incomprehensibly creepier adventure: Austin Restraining-Order Star Tours!

Lance at the lake

Start early by experiencing the great outdoors. Rumor has it that when he’s not running at Town Lady Bird Lake with Matthew McConaughey and Jake Gyllenhaal, Lance Armstrong and Ben Stiller love to kayak together. So why not rent a canoe, bring a good friend and some binoculars, and spend an hour at sea? Zilker Park Boat Rentals will send you afloat for $10 an hour. But call 478-3852 in advance to make sure they’re open.

Weekends: 9am–dark
Weekdays: 10am–dark

Zilker Park Boat Rentals

Dazed and litigious

Maybe Richard Linklater’s hard to find these days, but we have a solution: Go to 24th Street at Guadalupe and get hit by a car. Just like in Waking Life!

But don’t really do that.

photo / MaulleighShe’s in the trees! 

Sandra on Sixth

Here’s one dinner you know will have a heartwarming, if formulaic, ending. Sandra Bullock owns Bess Bistro, which serves food that, and I quote from Bess’s website, “deliberately defies classification.” It continues, “The menu’s common thread is the passion of the chef.” That last part, I hear from inside sources, may be Sandy’s remake of the Mel Gibson classic. The bistro is located in a charming historic building. It’s no Lake House, but you’ll want to Speed over as quickly as you can. Just don’t Crash.

Hours: Lunch Mon–Fri 11–4, Sat 2–5
Dinner Mon–Thu 5–10, Fri–Sat 5–11
After Hours: Mon–Thu 10–Late, Fri–Sat 11–Late
Brunch: Sun 10:30–2:30

Bess Bistro on Pecan
500 W. 6th St. Austin, TX 78701 512-477-2377

The Darjeeling local

If you squint really hard at the sign for W. Anderson Lane, it looks like it says “Wes Anderson.” And he’s, like, totally from here!

photo / jon rubin 

Robert on the reel

After dinner, while you’re still downtown, catch a movie at the Alamo Drafthouse. Quentin Tarantino has been known to buy out entire screenings here, so Robert Rodriguez shouldn’t be too far behind. Plus they have special events like music video competitions and sing-alongs, which are totally his scene. Afterwards, head up Lavaca Street to the Texas Chili Parlor, where they filmed part of Grindhouse.

Alamo Drafthouse at the Ritz
320 E. 6th St. Austin, TX 78701 512-476-1320
Hours: Opens 45 minutes before showtimes

Texas Chili Parlor
1409 Lavaca St. Austin, TX 78701 512-472-2828
Hours: 11am–2am

Britt gets blitzed

Our people on the town tell us that Whisky Bar is a favorite hangout of Spoon frontman Britt Daniel. Get a drink, dance to the DJ, and ask Britt if he’s wearing a fitted shirt. He really loves when you do that.

Hours: 5pm–2am

Whisky Bar
303 W. 5th St. Austin, TX 78701 512-481-8599