Her mommie dearest is making things awkward

Dr. Daley on Sex and Relationships

Dear Dr. Daley: I’m 26, and I met this girl a couple of weeks ago. Now, I’m the kind of guy who really isn’t down for relationships, but this girl changed me. She’s classy, smart, funny, and really hot, so I didn’t have a problem waiting a while to sleep with her. (And by a while, I mean a week.) But here’s the thing: Every time we have sex, things are great – extremely awesome – and fun and all… until she comes. She does the whole moan/gasp thing, but there’s more to it than that. She says “Mom!” right at the height of it all, kind of in this breathy voice. It’s pretty disturbing.

I don’t think she even realizes that she says that. If she did, she would stop doing it, right? I feel like I’m either on some kind of prank TV show or I’ve just found a really bizarre girl. So is this something I should be worried about? Do I ask her about it? We’re still getting to know each other, and I hate to have this distracting me from really getting to know who she is, as cheesy as that may sound.

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photo / Katie Tegtmeyer 

Well, it just goes to show you. I hear from plenty of women who enjoy sex, love making out, feel plenty hot and aroused and worked up, even get really really close… but never quite make it all the way to the Big O. It seems there are people all over the place, many of them female, who are afraid to let themselves come because they don’t know what will happen once they are that far out of control. Maybe they’ll make funny faces. Maybe bodily fluids will drench the sheets in a mortifying deluge. Maybe they’ll say something, um, weird.

And here you have this groovy girl, and look what happens.

You could go to freethunk.net and check out “Humanists in Love.” You could check out Testosterone Nation to see what the putzes of the world say they say. You don’t have to go far to read stuff about people crying, “Oh, Daddy!” Or “Who’s your daddy?”

But what, exactly, is an acceptable utterance at the moment of truth?

Clearly, “MOM!” freaks us out.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking your girl’s mother taught her about her clitoris and how it worked, and your girl is just flashing back to sweet times in the nursery when she’s getting it on with you. And that is just too disgusting to endure, even for a cool guy like you.

I’m thinking you may be overreacting.

We don’t ever really know what’s going on in another person’s mind, and for the most part, this is a good thing. It’s one of the few things about being human that works. During sexual arousal, if things are going well, our rational and normally defensive selves melt away. The stupid realities of day-to-day life dissolve: deadlines, past-due bills, miles of e-mails, traffic tickets, dirty laundry – all these become so much nothing. We have no more jobs, deadlines, homework, obligations, bounced checks, cars with bad gas mileage, or anything else. Our bodies and minds are washed away in a warm sea of pleasant sensation. This is how it’s supposed to work.

Why should we be surprised, then, when the irrational, untamed parts of ourselves (the parts we keep safely under lock and key throughout the daylight hours or whenever we think someone else is looking) achieve ascendancy? We can dream, can’t we? We don’t expect things to make sense then!

Maybe we’re okay with whatever we think – we just wish we could be more careful about what we say. (Or shout or groan or cry out.) I’m thinking it’s the “MOM” thing. Of all the people in the world, she’s the one you least want to associate with sexual arousal. Data indicate that she is the least likely of sexual abusers, way down on the list, after the sibs, the step-sibs, the step-dad, the dad. Mom. Very unusual, not impossible.

Let’s hope that by the time I am replying to this letter, you will have indulged your curiosity and asked Ms. Wonderful about this “MOM” thing. Let’s hope you have proven yourself a sufficiently respectful, trustworthy, and skilled lover to have earned this level of intimacy. If the “MOM” thing is new to your girl’s conscious awareness, maybe she’ll shriek, blush, clap her hand across her mouth, and the two of you will melt into each other’s arms. I’m such a romantic.

Maybe she has heard about this before and thinks nothing of it, and plays the whole thing off.

Maybe she’ll freak out and get all embarrassed, at which point you will reassure her that people think and say all kinds of things while they are sexually aroused, and that you totally appreciate the fact that she feels safe enough in bed with you to let her deepest secret selves out. Then you can share something freaky about your own sexual self so she won’t feel as if she’s been hung out on a thin, dry limb to dangle alone.

Or maybe her mother was sexually inappropriate with her. I would assume this would give both of you a bit of a stomachache. You would be aware that this lovely young woman had revealed one of her deepest, loneliest truths to you. You would want to be as gracious and supportive as a human being could possibly be.

You would tell your girl that she’s not alone, that other people have gone through the same thing, and there are plenty of places where she can talk about those past experiences if she would like to do so. You’ll tell her about Safe Place, or a therapist you know of. You’ll tell her that she is an amazing and delicious woman, and that everything she has lived through has served only to make her a fabulously sexual, desirable creature.

You’ll tell her you want nothing more than to try to get her to holler out that “Mom!” thing again.

And then, if you need to, you’ll find some help and work through your reactions to the whole thing.

Let me know, huh?

About the author Dr. Nancy Daley is a licensed psychologist and adjunct assistant professor who teaches Human Sexuality at The University of Texas at Austin. If you would like to submit questions for her to answer in this column, please send them to drdaley at thatotherpaper dot com.

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Anonymous's picture

You think that’s wierd? I used to hear my mom scream “I love to eat puppy meat!” when she was having sex while I tried to sleep in the next room as a kid. Maybe that’s where all those cute little puppies went…