Not a fan of his surprise attacks

Dr. Daley on Sex and Relationships
photo / mayr 

Dear Dr. Daley: I’ll just get to the point, Dr. Daley: My boyfriend is too fast for me. When we get in bed, he basically dive-bombs my clit and immediately starts fingering me before I even know what’s happening. When he does this, it ruins everything from that point on – I can never get turned on or come when he does that, I guess maybe because things were happening too fast for me to even comprehend and make me go into self-defense mode, it seems like (it’s almost painful!). I’ve tried explaining to him that the best sex for me is when it’s slow – lots of kissing at first, playing with my tits, then eventually taking off my pants or skirt or whatever I’m wearing and so on and so forth. When I remind him of this, he does take my advice the next time we have sex, but after that, it’s back to surprise-attacking my parts. How do I get him to do me like I want?

I’d open this with a quote from Paul Joannides’s Guide to Getting It On!, but I don’t know if you need permission for that sort of thing. Oh, to hell with it. The quote is from a young woman who is crystal clear on this subject:

“There’s no point in approaching my vulva and clit unless I’m aroused.
Touching me there is not the way to arouse me.”

Now go buy the book. Your boyfriend needs it so much you could probably get it covered by insurance. Or at least write it off on your taxes. It’s thorough, it’s amusing, it’s written in language real people use, and it explains sexual technique in flicker-by-flicker detail. I think lovers are well advised to employ books like this as foreplay, teaching tools, and conversation starters. You can phone your sweetheart in the middle of the day and tell them to look up page 211 as soon as they get home, because you’ll be arriving right behind them with a yummy ’97 Cab and something special to drink it out of.

Oh. I forgot. The stuff I just wrote is for lovers who want to be good lovers, which clearly you are lacking.

Why are you reluctant to do what you need to do? Because it’s not ladylike to pack your bags and announce to Captain Bombardier that life is too short for a sex life that sucks? Because you prefer begging for what you want? Because he makes 200K a year and it’s his name on your BMW’s lease?

Your problem is not your sex life, girlfriend. Your problem is that your sweetheart doesn’t give a shit what you want in bed. Which makes it hard for me to imagine that he cares about pleasing you in any other room of the condo. See, a good lover lives to make their partner happy. Even if said “good lover” is a total sociopath who only does you good so you’ll do him good, he still wants to make you happy in bed. Even if said “good lover” has a textbook case of Mirror Disease and only hones his sexual skills to make himself look good (who cares?), he still wants to make you happy in bed.

Possible mitigating circumstances: 1. He has some sort of brain injury that keeps him from laying down enough short-term memory to retain your specific sexual requests. 2. You are such a stupid/nasty/nagging/awful girl that he is perpetually pissed off at you, causing him to withhold sexual pleasure more or less sort of on purpose. 3. He is such a good man and wonderful partner in every other aspect of life that you are willing to continue with a ridiculous sex life, in which case you wouldn’t have written this letter. 4. You have no place else to go, in which case you are using him and ought to just suck it up.

Let’s say he’s just wonderful and you decide to live with life as it is. You can choreograph your lovemaking so that he is forced to take more time – striptease, you as Mistress In Charge, tie him to the bed, start quizzing him at dinner about what will happen after dessert if he is a very good boy and licks your plate, etc. In other words, to get what you want, you may have to be in charge of administrative details. If he does a good job, be extra nice to him all the next day (I keep wanting to imagine he’s not an asshole). This is called positive reinforcement, and it is supposed to increase the chances that a desired behavior will be repeated. Continue with the program until he can do what he ought to do without being coached.

You could rev yourself up beforehand with a hot bath, lotion, porn, vibrator – whatever does it for you. Have a nice orgasm and then announce that you are ready for a good fucking. Let him put his Wham-Bam to good use.

You could refuse to participate in stupid lovemaking, simply removing yourself from the scene in a calm manner with a polite, “No, thank you.”

Or you could take a long, hard look at the whole relationship and realize bad sex is just a symptom. What do you suppose the problem really is?

About the author Dr. Nancy Daley is a licensed psychologist and adjunct assistant professor who teaches Human Sexuality at The University of Texas at Austin. If you would like to submit questions for her to answer in this column, please send them to drdaley at thatotherpaper dot com.

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Anonymous's picture

when do they update these things?