This is going to cost him

Dr. Daley on Sex and Relationships

This is going to cost him

photo / Simon Law 

Dear Dr. Daley: I’m a 28-year-old guy, and I’ve had the same problem for years. All the girls I’ve dated have had pretty mainstream sexual preferences. But what I really like are rape fantasies with a lot of roleplaying and dirty talk. Almost every time, my girlfriends have been very weirded out or even angry about this. The problem is that I find it a little embarrassing to explain, so I wait to bring it up when I trust a woman. Then the girl gets creeped out and I get bored with the normal sex, and that puts a strain on the rest of our relationship.

I’m totally not a pervert in real life, and I don’t hang out with a bunch of deviant weirdos. I have no idea how to find a nice girl who shares my type of fetish, and I’m starting to think that maybe I should give up on finding one.

Paraphilia, from the Greek para (to the side of) and philia (love). To the side of love. In modern psychology, the paraphilias are regarded as abnormal patterns of sexual arousal that exist along a spectrum. Maybe you have a perfectly normal (hah!) sex life and only occasionally slip on a pair of your sweetheart’s panties into which you immediately ejaculate. Or maybe you can’t get off at all unless your RAPE FANTASY is being played out in your mind or your bed.

We’re all grateful that the Human Design Committee saw fit to keep the contents of our minds more or less private – otherwise most of us would spend at least some time in the asylum. And – not to insult your specialness as a very, very unique and one-of-a-kind human being – many of us harbor rape fantasies. Something about all that power, and control, and dominating, and being dominated and all that. Yummy. From the woman’s point of view, You Tarzan Me Jane means I can do all sorts of heavenly nasty things, and it isn’t even my fault!

Which is not to say that people who don’t harbor rape fantasies are weird.

But you, dear writer, have a problem, and I don’t mind saying so. Why? Because your rape fantasies are costing you something you want (i.e. someone with whom to act them out). One possibility is that you have a pattern of taking up with women who are just too nice and too conservative to really let go in the sack. Another possibility is that your rape fantasy is but one facet of a personality that truly derives a sense of power from dominating others. Especially when the others are women. So when the two of you start to enact these fantasies, she sees you salivating just a little too heavily. She gets the idea that you mean it.

Look at it this way: For half of us, the very act of sexual intercourse means to be penetrated. Sometimes it means to be penetrated against our will. Since you claim to have such a rich imagination, can you imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end of said penetration? How about this: How about if it were happening to you? How fun would that be?

photo / Frank Wouters 

Now me, I love all sorts of sexual fantasies, none of which we shall go into here. But I don’t get bored when someone I care about doesn’t care to indulge in them with me. Check it out: I can even get off without them! Which brings us to a point on that spectrum at which you get a diagnosis: You can’t get off without engaging in your paraphilia.

You know what this means: It’s off to therapy with you! I’d like you to get in touch with some place like the Austin Men’s Center, where men talk about men things and also about men and women things.

Dude, you live in a culture that promotes violence against women. I know we’re a challenge to deal with, but I also know too many members of both genders deeply despise us. And I think it’s about time men woke up to the fact that every time you deal with a woman, someone is dealing with your sister the same way. Or your mother.

So go somewhere and figure out this rape fantasy stuff, the mysterious aspects of your own sense of power, and also your deep-down feelings about women. If you want an intimate relationship with an actual woman, try to learn about how this is done. Try to learn about life from a woman’s point of view. And if you don’t want a relationship with an actual woman, please bite the bullet and throw down some cold hard cash for a sexual partner who will live up to your fantasy life, no harm done. Quit trying to make victims of all your sweethearts, okay?

P.S. If it pleases you to no end to think of someone behaving violently toward your sister or your mother, do let the therapist know. You’ll want to make sure you have enough insurance to cover the level of repair you so desperately need.

About the author Dr. Nancy Daley is a licensed psychologist and adjunct assistant professor who teaches Human Sexuality at The University of Texas at Austin. If you would like to submit questions for her to answer in this column, please send them to drdaley at thatotherpaper dot com.

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PervyMcSubmissiveson's picture

I’m your type of girl!

cj's picture

i like the way that you delt with his question… guys, like myself, sometimes have to have our eyes opened up to realize how we are socialized to view women and power roles.

Anonymous's picture

it is a relief to read a guy with the same fantasies as myself. i suffer from a sexual dysfunction that i have recently started making steps in overcoming, though the problem is not entirely resolved yet. i forgot how to orgasm at some point when i was in high school without taking note of it until years later. i have had one orgasm since then, a year and a half ago, with no luck in repeating it. recently bringing my fantasies of rape and incest to the surface that i held when i was little has helped bring back my sexual desires. i am in therapy in hopes of correcting my dysfunction, but my counselor has never suggested i need to change my fantasies. as long as i can get my mojo back, i don’t care what the means are. i hope i can condition myself, and to reach the point, that if at first i need my childhood fantasies, to move on to other things later. i was just looking into the matter when i stumbled upon this q&a. your answer sounds as though there’s something wrong with the man posing the question. given a deep relationship of trust, and the right woman, i think the role playing can work…though i have yet to verify this through personal experience (not counting role playing with peers when i was in elementary school).