Dear Shawn from ‘Boy Meets World’

Open Letters

Dear Shawn:

I saw your new indie horror movie Borderland during SXSW, and I wanted to apologize. I think I hurt your feelings.

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You were sitting two rows behind me, seeking the audience’s approval just as you once did from your absent father. But my approval, just like your father’s approval, was not there. I was staring at the floor, stifling my laughter. My reaction to Borderland must have been as upsetting as that time Mr. Feeny expelled you. For this, I am sorry.

You see, Shawn from Boy Meets World, it’s not that I am a woman who hates gratuitous violence. I am, in fact, as turned on by it as Corey always is by Topanga’s new haircuts. However, I want my gratuitous violence with a sense of purpose. I’d prefer not to see a close-up of someone’s eyeballs getting ripped out unless I have to. (I would make an Oedipus Rex reference here, but I’m positive you never read it in Mr. Turner’s English class – you were probably out being cool.) Basically, if an axe gets stuck in someone’s shoulder for no reason, I’m going to laugh. This is not your fault. Just like it’s not your fault that your dad is always on the road in his 18-wheeler, instead of at home where he belongs.

And since you can’t control the movies you chose to be in (because you’re too much of a wild child), I am apologizing for my behavior at the Drafthouse last week. I hope my laughter didn’t hurt your feelings, although I am certain it did not hurt your boyish good looks.